Yeah, I figured I should probably update my journal. So technically, this is the first Journal of 2009. Whoooo. Go me.

So, on to explanations...

I haven't been updating at all, I know. I can't get my head in the right mood to, and it's driving me insane. I'm currently on work experience (...again) and it's only been after then that I feel I can draw again.
Being stuck on the same project in art at school hasn't helped either. I've tried SO damn hard to draw abract, but it's like my brain can't wrap itself aound the concept and it doesn't help that my art teacher didn't explain the criteria properly, only waiting until I make an unerasable mistake to point it out.

Everyone seems to want me to make choices, ones that I myself don't want to make. One is my choice of which coursework I'll be doing next year. I want to do a Bac L (literature, philosophy and art) at a VERY specific school in my area, where my friends are,close to home, and where I can keep my options open. I might not necessarily want do do a purely artistic-orientated course. I might want to study history and become a historian.
My art teacher on the other hand, wants me to go to an art school. It's nice that he recognises certain aspects of my talent, but the schools he wants me to enroll in are in different towns, where I would have to stay in dormitories.
I am a social person to a degree, but the with the way I currently am, being that far away from home for an entire week, not being able to 'escape' from it, as it were, would kill me. Also, going to an art school, I would be forced to follow the purely artistic route, that I'm not too keen on doing. I'm an artist and I love to draw, but it's not my only interest damnit!

My teacher keeps telling me to rethink my options, but I've had two MISERABLE FUCKING YEARS in which to do so. And whn I told him that, he just says to think it over some more, learn to deal with people, and don't make "snap decisions based on how you're feeling today."

This pisses me off to no end, there's nothing I can do about it, and that in turn is making me depressed and unwilling to talk to people.
I just keep getting the feeling that he wants me to make a choice, but the choice that HE wants for me, and he holds me back after every class and gives me a patronising lecture, tells me to rethink my options AGAIN when I tell him what I want to do next year and I usually leave in either a tantrum or almost in tears.

So yes, it was making me depressed and therefore unable to draw.
I came over for work experience and a holiday t England, and I can draw again, I see my family most days, I'm enjoying working and learning, I'm socialising.
So what if it's just a form of escapism, that part of me never wants to go back to school ever again because it's just so fucking painful being ignored by the majority of your peers, coming home feeling like a piece of SHIT everyday, then getting up nice and early to repeat the process all over again until the weekend. So FUCKING SUE ME.

/endemorant

Feel free to read this.

Not that anyone does read what I write anymore.